Sunday, August 30, 2009

Maraming salamat hipon!

Today's slice of humour is brought to you by cousin
"Kumain ka na ba?"
You'll notice over there ---> that there is a link to a site called http://engrishfunny.com/, which explores mostly rude and usually hilarious mistaken english translations.

The vast majority of the posts are sent in by english-speaking folks living or travelling around Asia and Eastern Europe. Imagine my delight when I found a perfect example of engrish at my favourite Gas, Bombs and Booze shop on the outskirts of Perth.

I Found this doozy on the back of a 16-shot firework at the Ultramar on highway #7 between Perth and Carleton Place.

"Vomit peony and flash!"

Bewitching? More like shades of Bank & Somerset, but I digress...

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Gomi Day

The following is the slighty garbled liner notes that accompany the Shonen Knife song "Gomi Day": With no space in Japanese condominiums, living perpetually amidst garbage is the irony of separating one's waste and holding the sorted rubbish until collection day.

Here in Ottawa, Monday is "regular garbage day", while every other Monday is "cans and bottles" day, with the alternate monday being "newspaper day" and in the summer/fall "yard waste day."

Simple enough, unless you get confused.

Since I have no desire to scoop up garbage after it has been assaulted by the local raccoons and ground hogs (aka Whistle Pigs), over the course of the summer months, I take the garbage out in the morning.

One absence, one holiday monday, and one screw-up (blue or black box?), and all of a sudden the garage has about 2 months worth of "cans and bottles". Did I mention we are super diligent recyclers.

At any rate, at pretty much this exact time yesterday I was browsing through the news on the computer, serenely enjoying the cool morning air. As pleasant at it was, I vowed that I would stop at 7:30 and get my day started by the typical monday morning chores. At precisely 7:29, I hear the characteristic groan of a poorly maintained diesel engine, followed by the clatter of a blue box being up-ended. DAMMIT!

OH MY GOD! It truly is GOMI DAY!

Gomi Day sample: http://www.last.fm/music/%E5%B0%91%E5%B9%B4%E3%83%8A%E3%82%A4%E3%83%95/_/Gomi+Day

Monday's regular garbage day
But I forgot again
There are two big plastic bags
They're lying on the floor
Gomi day monday and thursday
Let's take it out in the morning
Gomi day seems like every day
I hear the truck
I hear the warning

Wednesday's cans and bottles day
But I forgot again
There are four big plastic bags
They're lying on the floor
Gomi day monday and thursday
Let's take it out in the morning
Gomi day seems like every day
I hear the truck
I hear the warning

Now our place is full of bags
It's crowded through and through
I can't even find the door
I don't know what to do
Gomi day monday and thursday
Let's take it out in the morning
Gomi day seems like every day
I hear the truck
I hear the warning

Thursday, July 23, 2009

El Sabor Del Paraíso

Thought I'd share some photos from our last visit to CR. Yes, I know I'm months overdue. First up: food and drink.

Ceviche at the lovely Hotel Terraza del Pacifica. Almost as good as our friend O's version. Presentation points go to the Terraza, however, as O has never fanned avocado slices for me. ;p

A guaparinha (CR's take on the Brazilian caipirinha) and the best chicken nachos on the planet. The secret is they make the chips themselves.

Another guaparinha and a bottle of limited edition Imperial beer. The "Silver" was a new product for the summer. I'm not an Imperial fan, but the Silver seemed popular. Maybe they'll make it available year round?

I made a wonderful discovery during this last trip. I discovered I really like tequila. It all started with this salty margarita. It ended with tequila shots for the table.

Now, after all that rich eating and drinking, a sensible breakfast is the right thing to do. Fresh fruit. Fresh juice. Tico coffee. To start. I failed to get a photo of the gallo pinto, eggs, fried cheese, bacon, sausage, toast and whatever else came with brekkie. There was a huge plate, but it went down fast. So fast, I didn't get my picture!

A tequila sunrise to help me ease into the day....

Dinner was tilapia with capers and butter sauce for me.

Beans had the steak with mushroom sauce.

I'll post some other vacation pictures soon. Check back for proof that I did more on vacation than just sit around eating and drinking (and drinking, and drinking....). Hasta luego!

Monday, May 4, 2009

Family Resemblance?

Orange:


Black:


Beans:


Coincidence? I don't think so.

Rice: (added May fifteen, as promised)

New Baking

I have a new toy. There was an incredible sale on bread makers so though we were shopping for lawn resurrection supplies, we finally gave in to the impulse shopping urge. We'd been thinking of getting one for ages, but the timing was never quite right, or so I claimed. Wrong model. Wrong colour. Not a compelling sale price. But the biggest deterrent: we have zero counter space in the kitchen. I'd resisted my own carb-lust and dissuaded Beans' from indulging me...at least, for the time being. Faced with a 46% off sale, what's a bread-fiend to do?

I tore into the box like a kid at Christmas as soon as we got home, leaving ever-patient Beans to finish unloading the rest of the shopping/groceries from the car. Visions of crusty golden loaves, the scent of warm yeast and fresh baking had overtaken me. As he put away groceries, I pored over the manual. "We're having bread for dinner!" I declared at 6pm.

Uh-huh.

Right.

It'd been ages since I'd baked bread from scratch. Staring at the shiny new machine in my kitchen, I lost all sense of reality. I now have a bread machine, so (clap, clap), "let there be bread", right?

Kids, it takes HOURS to make bread. I'd forgotten that part, but I was bound and determined to bake bread, dang it. 2 hours+ to run the (empty) machine through a full cycle before first use, as instructed in the manual. I spent that time trying to comprehend the annoyingly structured instructions. (Note to technical writers: Page numbers. Table of contents. Put information in logical order. Use these tools when writing a users' manual. They are helpful.) Thanks to the back-assed sequencing of information, I failed to correctly set the "automatic extras dispenser" so my Hearty Nut Bread, while hearty, is relatively nut free.

Four and a half hours later (total machine magic and cooling time):


I woke Beans at 10:30 pm to show him my fresh-out-of-the-oven triumph. He tried to be enthusiastic, but it was a pretty sleepy review. He didn't even want to smell it!

Incidentally, we had rice for dinner.

The hearty nut(less) loaf made for a great breakfast instead!

Bringing the Black One Home

Here's a pic from Beans' phone. This was taken at the Humane Society on November 1, 2005. Can you believe how teeny tiny our baby boy was? He's always been a spirited little guy. See his crazy face as he sinks his baby teeth in Beans' finger? No wonder we fell in love with him and added him to our family.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Did we learn nothing from Planet of the Apes?

One of my all-time favourite films is the 1968 cult-classic, The Planet of the Apes.

As a plot refresher, Charlton Heston and his astronaut buddies crash on a mysterious planet, and encounter a primate caste system where orangutans are the administrators and politicans; chimpanzees are the cultured intellectuals and scientists; gorillas are the police and military; and humans are but lowly feral creatures - a blight to crops, fit only for destruction or use as a lab animals.

Upon discovery that Taylor (Heston) has the ape-like ability to speak, Dr. Zaius condems him to be gelded... to render him docile for display to curious onlookers. He escapes, chaos ensues.

The following article is a deeply ironic read about a hyper-intelligent chimp (Santino) whose demonstration of the human-like ability to plan, condemns him to be gelded to render him docile for display to curious onlookers.

A deeply resentful, forward-thinking, weapon-weilding castrated super-chimp. You could make a series of movies out of that one!


Belligerent chimp proves animals make plans

STOCKHOLM (AP) - A canny chimpanzee who calmly collected a stash of rocks and then hurled them at zoo visitors in fits of rage has confirmed that apes can plan ahead just like humans, a Swedish study said Monday. Santino the chimpanzee's anti-social behavior stunned both visitors and keepers at the Furuvik Zoo but fascinated researchers because it was so carefully prepared.

According to a report in the journal Current Biology, the 31-year-old alpha male started building his weapons cache in the morning before the zoo opened, collecting rocks and knocking out disks from concrete boulders inside his enclosure. He waited until around midday before he unleashed a "hailstorm" of rocks against visitors, the study said. "These observations convincingly show that our fellow apes do consider the future in a very complex way," said the author of the report, Lund University Ph.D. student Mathias Osvath. "It implies that they have a highly developed consciousness, including lifelike mental simulations of potential events."

Seemingly at ease with his position as leader of the group, Santino didn't attack the other chimpanzees, Osvath told The Associated Press. The attacks were only directed at humans viewing the apes across the moat surrounding the island compound where they were held. However, he rarely hit visitors because of his poor aim, and no one was seriously injured in the cases when he did, Osvath said.

He noted that individual differences are big among chimpanzees so the observation might not mean all chimpanzees are capable of the same planning. "It could be that he is a genius, only more research will tell.

Osvath said the chimpanzee had also been observed tapping on concrete boulders in the park to identify weak parts and then knocking out a piece. If it was too big for throwing, he broke it into smaller pieces, before adding them to his arsenal. "It is very special that he first realizes that he can make these and then plans on how to use them," Osvath said. "This is more complex than what has been showed before."

The fact that the ape stayed calm while preparing his weapons but used them when he was extremely agitated proves that the planning behavior was not based on an immediate emotional drive, Osvath said.

For a while, zoo keepers tried locking Santino up in the morning so he couldn't collect ammunition for his assaults, but he remained aggressive. They ultimately decided to castrate him in the autumn last year, but will have to wait until the summer to see if that helps.

"It is normal behavior for alpha males to want to influence their surroundings ... It is extremely frustrating for him that there are people out of his reach who are pointing at him and laughing," Osvath said. "It cannot be good to be so furious all the time."

Monday, January 26, 2009

Hockey Night in Winnipeg

bffK's little guys in their way-late Christmas jams. Check out the cuteness!


As an absentee aunty, it's a challenge to maintain name and face recognition, let alone relevance in the lives of active, little people, with a great a big world to explore. To these guys, "Ottawa" is as much a part of my persona as say, my glasses, or my hair (or so I imagine). I'm not around enough to firm up another identity. I'm not the one who takes them to movies. Or the one who always has gum and quarters in her purse. I'm never there for birthdays or school concerts or even the occasional babysitting gig. Nope, I'm the one who shows up in their lives once every eight months or so...from Ottawa. And so, in a blatant attempt to stay in their conciousness, I look for that Ottawa angle and I exploit it. Sorry guys, you almost got a laser tag game set for Christmas.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Birthday Eve

Hola amigos, amigas, y mi familia!!!

Currently in TO celebrating birthday eve. Love mini getaways. Am sipping bubbly, listening to tunes and noshing on antipasto in a swanky hotel room. Am headed for the hot tub and a late dinner. Le sigh....

Hope you are all celebrating -----uary in your own special way!

Love,

Rice

xoxox

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Politics is Negotiation

Prudence limits the extent to which I may freely delve into the political issues of the day. Humour dictates that I sneak a few into the margins.

Let's take negotiation.

Now, I don't mean haggling - that good art is entirely delegated to the intrepid Ms. Rice. I realize that a certain degree of haggling is good form, but I cannot barter down the price of a hand-stitched cotton wallet when the opening salvo translates to roughly $1.75 CDN... much to the shock of the Ghanaian vendor women (and the disgust of Ms. Rice).

What I'm referring to here is negotiation. The multi-million dollar kind.

The Amalgamated Transit Union here in Capital City has been on strike for 40 some odd days, after rejecting a fairly generous offer from the city - a 7.5% increase spread over 3 years, plus more sick days and a $2,500 per head "productivity" bonus. In return, the drivers (and mechanics) are being asked to cede a bizarre provision regarding scheduling that results in "quality of life" improvements for the drivers... (ssssshhh... and the ability to manufacture $4.5 million of overtime pay per year).

Here's an accurate representation of the prevailing public sentiment, as expressed by a colorful speciality shop:
I heartily concur.

On another note, it occurs to me that the Territorial Leaders (not Premiers, as that official designation is held for the poo-bahs of Provinces), are in an inherently inferior negotiating position at affairs such as the recent First Ministers' Meeting. Given their small populations, lack of capacity, and extreme dependence on Federal transfers, it's hard to imagine a situation in which the Territories would have the South over a barrel.

Enter Floyd "Tiger" Roland. My advice to the Honorable Madam Aariak and the Honorable Mr. Fentie is that they allow Floyd "Boom Boom" Roland to be the point man on all future F/P/T negotiations (guess which one he is).

After, promising a more aggressive approach to F/P/T relations, http://www.cbc.ca/canada/nwtvotes2007/story/2007/10/17/nwt-premier.html, Floyd shows he means biz-niz!

Fighting premier gets three-game suspension
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/Politics/2009/01/14/8025821-cp.html

Northwest Territories Premier Floyd Roland is greeted by Prime Minister Stephen Harper before the provincial and territoral first ministers meeting in Ottawa on Friday, Jan. 11, 2008.

Few will mistake him for Dave "The Hammer" Schultz, but opponents may think twice before dropping the gloves with Northwest Territories Premier Floyd Roland.

The hulking Roland, who spends evenings patrolling the blue-line for a "B" division hockey team in Yellowknife, squared off Sunday with a feisty forward on the opposing squad.

The Yellowknife Rec Hockey League had no choice but to come down hard on the territorial premier - it handed him a three-game suspension

Truly and completely awesome. You can't get more Canadian that that!!!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

That was so good...I think I need a cigarette.

New blog label, folks! As sad as it is that I have enough material to feed this category, I still think you're going to enjoy it. Without further ado, here is our Asshole of the Day for January 10, 2009.

"Oh, no, you di-in't!!!"
But, yes, in true asshole form: did. So, (no great surprise to you, I'm sure) I called the city to have this jerk ticketed and towed. That's $55 for parking in a no parking zone and $75.60 to get your car back from the tow lot.




You'd think the big 10ft door in plain view would make it obvious enough: don't park here. But for those who lack common sense, the city has thoughtfully put up a NO PARKING sign as well.

Here's the tow truck pulling up behind the offender. I was so busy chatting with and thanking the city bylaw officer that I missed the money shot. I'd been waiting to get the pic of the tow truck dragging this loser away but alas, all I have is the mental image.


BONUS: So, while I was out there snapping photos, a woman pulls up and parks her big black SUV behind our asshole of the day. I point out to her that she's in a no parking zone. She snarks at me that she'll only be "two minutes" and continues to walk away. I then added that the "ticket guy is on his way....", but chickie brushes me off and keeps on walking. Well, I must admit, I could not contain my gloating when I saw the bylaw officer turn the corner at that very moment. "Oh, here he is!" I cried out cheerily. The sight of her turning around and RUNNING back to her car...priceless. Ticket guy has pulled up and parked behind her. She gets back into her truck, but not before snarking at me one more time, "I was only going to be two minutes, grrr..." and of course, left with the requisite gunning of her engine as she tore out and sped down the street. Ticket guy finally gets out of his car and asks me, "Was she rude to you?" In my most innocent voice, I reply that madam was less than appreciative of my efforts to save her a ticket. Blink blink. "I'll send it to her in the mail," he says.

Pandemonium

A Beijing zoo panda has bit three tourists in two years, the latest being Zhang Jiao who jumped into the panda’s pen to retrieve his son's toy (cough "idiot" cough). Gu Gu, a 110-kilogram panda, mauled the man's legs and refused to let go until zookeepers pried his jaws open with tools.

Sounds horrible, doesn’t it. Yet, once again, the back-story is key to understanding the situation.

Gu Gu first made news in 2007 when he bit a drunken tourist who jumped into his pen and tried to hug him. The tourist retaliated by biting the panda in the back.

It should come as no surprize to anyone that I’m siding with Gu Gu on this one. On my morning commute, I come face to face with some pretty unsavoury chaps, usually on the path over the bridge which is reduced to a bobsled style corridor after big snowfalls.

If one of these meshugenehs started to hug me up and then in the ensuing struggle bit me in the back… it is probably safe to say that I’d also have an incredibly short fuse. Way to go Gu Gu… putting the Bear back in Panda.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Do Not Call List

This has nothing to do with Lucie. :)

If you LOVE telemarketers as much as I do, you'll want to register your phone/fax/cell on the National Do Not Call list. Click fhe post title to go to the site.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Cue Music!

I gave Beans some iTunes gift cards for Christmas. This has prompted serious debate about what songs should make his final download list. I need to remember this is his present, not mine and so, there will be no disco :) One hit wonders may get a shot. It's a chance to get that one catchy tune without suffering through (or paying for) the rest of a dismal album. International artists too obscure for our local music stores to stock are also front of the line. Favorite songs long relegated to a box in the back of the closet, may be resurrected from their cassette format to live again on the iPod. Which got me to thinking....

"Ah, the mix tape..."

A playlist is a playlist, but there is something about the permanence of the mix tape. Not the cassette itself, of course. Any child of the eighties will recall that sickening garbled strain as a favorite tape, fast forwarded/rewound/replayed one time too many, tangled itself around the guts of the ghetto blaster. Let's face it, we can't expect a little spool of plastic ribbon to last forever. No, I mean more the way those mixed tapes and associated memories are permanently etched in our minds. Decades later and I can still remember who gave me what tape, what was on it and where I was in life at that time.

Exhibit A: The summer we visited Tito L in Ear Falls, Ontario. His two teenage nephews were spending the summer. Having just completed 4th grade, I thought these high schoolers were pretty cool. That was the summer I sported a boy's hair cut (...thanks, by the way, mom.); was slightly heavy for my height (ahem); and I desperately coveted my brother's blue and white satin jacket. The mix tape the nephews gave me (Read: They gave it to my brother but I eventually claimed it) had The Police on one side and Men at Work on the other. I was singing about Vegemite sandwiches long before I even knew what the substance was. And to this day, De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da annoys me to no end.

Exhibit B: Late eighties. I was still getting perms! Grew upwards, instead of outwards, and was now a skinny thing. A skinny thing with great big bucky teeth! Mix tape from a boy. Madonna's True Blue, El Debarge and a whole slew of New Edition songs: Cool it no-oww and Mr. Telephone Man. Classics! I loved that tape. Didn't care too much for the boy, though. (Cackle)

Exhibit C: To be honest, this is a slight exception. Brian Adams. Summer of 69. I don't even know what other songs were on that tape. The only one that mattered was Summer of 69. I'd just had my Cher-hair layered. The "girls" had finally shown up. It was the age of the "magic pants" and going dancing on Saturday nights. I had a full-time job and not a cent of debt. I was free and I was invincible. It should come as no surprise that my car was a red convertible. How many hours did I spend driving around with Brian Adams blaring out of the open top?

I'll close with a list of songs/artists that always make me think of certain people. Check back as I'll be adding songs as they come to me..and I might even write up an explanation of why these tunes and people are so inextricably linked in my mind.

Mom:
The Platters - Twilight Time

Dad:
Werner Thomas - The Bird (though, dad calls it "Chicken") Dance

Big Bro:
The Kinks - Come Dancing

Little Sis:
Anne Murray - Could I Have This Dance
The Monkees - Daydream Believer

Tita P:
The Carpenters - Yesterday Once More

Cousin AD:
The Knack - My Sharona

Tito M:
Omigod, anything Bee Gees!

Cousin AM:
Jefferson Starship - Sara

bff I:
Abba - Dancing Queen

bff K:
Curtis Mayfield - Same Damn Song ? I can't find the title :(
? - Movin (To The Left)